Putin has no idea what to do next and apparently that's a good thing

We know one thing for sure as a result of Vladimir Putin's press conference¹: Never have so many people been so relieved by one man's confusion. The markets are rebounding on the news that he has no idea what to do next. Huzzah.

Vlad the Short-Fingered Barbarian made it abundantly clear that: A) He has a very good grasp of local and international politics; and B) Despite that he has not a clue what to do now that he has invaded. To be clear, Our Vlad didn't admit he had invaded – he is still keeping to the line that all those camouflaged men armed with Russian Army weapons are merely locals seeking to defend themselves.

“We have not participated in the preparation of self-defense forces in Ukraine.”

Locals with self-propelled artillery – wouldn't the NRA be proud!

The only thing the Big Red Machine had done was reinforced the defense of its facilities in Crimea.² Using 16,000+ soldiers just to make sure no one was messing with an already heavily armed naval base is plausible if you remember overkill has always been a staple of Russian culture, just look at Stalin's purges.

Sadly propaganda doesn't work as well as it used to. The New York Times reports that a suspicious number of the Ukrainians demanding Russia come to their aid are “tourists visiting” from the Motherland itself. Who can blame them? If forced to choose between a nation on the brink of a war and Disney World I, for one, would be on the next plane to Sevastopol.

Vlad also said, "Our major concern is the orgy of nationalists, and extremists and anti-Semites on the streets of Kiev."³ Probably because people would wonder why they aren't in Moscow as usual.

President P did do a fine job skewering the hypocrisy of a certain last-remaining-superpower, which questioned his right to invade Ukraine – even though he didn't (wink wink).

“We are often accused of illegitimacy of our actions. And when I ask, and you are all legitimate? They say yes. To remind them about the U.S. actions in Iraq, Libya and other countries.”⁴

Unfortunately, just as with those misadventures, it is becoming clear the Russians don't have any idea what to do now that they are there. Putin says ousted Ukrainian President Yanukovych is still president sort of but that he soon won't be. Putin also said he won't recognize the winner of the election scheduled for May 25 unless it's someone approve of. In this he makes it clear he is following the advice of the brilliant political scientist Mr. Tom Lehrer:

For might makes right
Until they've seen the light
They've got to be protected
All their rights respected
'Till somebody we like can be elected

It could have been worse. He could have done like Bush and listened to Randy Newman's suggestion.

1: Google Translate does a surprisingly good job with Russian-to-English.

2: For some reason the bare-chested one doesn't have a lot of people around to point out when he contradicts himself. Maybe it's his breath.

3: Mark MacKinnon, the senior international correspondent for The Globe and Mail, did a great live tweet of the presser and I guarantee you I am one of the few who will admit cribbing from him.

4: John Kerry: "You just don't in the 21st century behave in 19th century fashion by invading another country on completely trumped up pretext.” Words fail.

Feeling nervous? Spike Milligan explains what to do while waiting for the war to begin.

"September 3rd, 1939. The last minutes of peace ticking away. Father and I were watching Mother digging our air-raid shelter. “She’s a great little woman,” said Father. “And getting smaller all the time,” I added. Two minutes later, a man called Chamberlain who did Prime Minister impressions spoke on the wireless; he said, “As from eleven o’clock we are at war with Germany.” (I loved the WE.) “War?” said Mother. “It must have been something we said,” said Father. The people next door panicked, burnt their post-office books and took in the washing."

-- Spike Milligan, Hitler, My Part in His Downfall